I’ve been holding on to this for so long and tonight the words finally came that could express the way I feel.

It’s February 26th.  It’s your birthday and I wonder if you’re wondering if I will reach out. Wish you a happy birthday, like you’ve still continued to do for me.  I feel as though I am letting you down, disappointing you, and I shouldn’t feel bad.  Not after what you did, not at all.  But I do.  It kills me to be “mean” to you.  I never wanted to have to ignore you.  To purposefully ignore important milestones in your life but you made me, and that breaks my heart.

It’s weird.  How can I not want to hurt someone who hurt me so bad?  I don’t want you back.  I don’t wish you were still here, but yet, I don’t want to be mean to you and I don’t want to make you sad.