I remember it like it was yesterday. I was stationed at McChord and was living in the dorms. I had been there for a year, I was 22, single, and unhappy. In that year I had my fair share of hookups but no real relationships. I spent many nights alone in my room watching chick flicks, drinking whole bottles of wine, and crying myself to sleep because for whatever reason, I didn’t think I would ever meet someone. Then it happened. A spark between me and my now ex-husband.
Fast forward 12 years. Déjà vu. Kinda. I’m 34, single, and sometimes think I won’t meet someone again but that’s where the similarities end. To be totally honest, I haven’t been intimately involved with anyone since the split well over a year ago. I actually heard that you become a virgin again after a year. Is that medically possible? I digress. I’m happy but sometimes I get in my own head and worry. What if my time has come and gone? Will I ever be in a serious relationship again? How am I going to meet new people? Is anyone even interested in me? How the hell do these things even happen anyway?
Now, before I continue, this is not me professing how badly I want to be in a relationship. NOT. AT. ALL. I have been extremely grateful for this time alone to deal with what happened and rediscover who I am but sometimes I miss that connection and the fun. I’d like to believe I am confident person but maybe I am not because I sometimes find myself concerned with how men see me. Do they think I’m attractive? Do they think I’m interesting? Do they think I’m funny? Do they want to go out with me? Such silly things to be concerned with yet my interactions with others really make me consider those questions.
When I was that single 22 year old things felt so different. There was more interest. I still felt relevant and even though this is a bad thing, that attention made me feel desirable. Now, there’s just nothing. No looks or glances. No flirting. No nothing. I feel like I am constantly trying to be “not boring” so that someone might take an interest and talk to me a little more. It’s silly and exhausting. Before I go one I’d like to take this opportunity to also say I am not looking for compliments or validation from any of you. I just simply wanted to get this out there, off my chest, and out of my head.
So, moving on. I guess what this all boils down to is that I think I am ready to explore a little but I don’t feel like anyone wants to tag along. Kind of bruises the ole ego but just maybe, something will unexpectedly find me.