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lisa & the kitties

The evolution of a simple thought. 

Ask any of my friends, I like to trace a conversation back to its origin, or explain an off-the-wall thought and how my thoughts brought me there.

On the plane ride home I started thinking about how I need to go through my phone and purge contacts I no longer have a need to communicate with. As Terry Jaymes so eloquently puts it, it’s time to shake the tree. I do it often. 

Anyway, I wondered how it would feel, to be my ex husband, to look through my contacts and see so many unfamiliar names. How foreign we have become to each other. Then it got me thinking about how towards the end, he and his phone were inseparable. What was her name stored as? Would I have known if I saw it? Naturally, it made me think about the situation more and wonder what he was planning to do, how he was planning to end it,  and with whom? What was he thinking as he was texting her, while trying to keep it hidden from me? My nose started to sting and a few tears fell.

If you’ve ever cheated or thought about it, this is what the other side looks like almost three years later.  

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Embrace the scaling option.

I have always admired Ashley Horner and Christmas Abbott because they embody what I feel I am supposed to be (if depression and motivation weren’t trying to sabotage me every step of the way).  I admire them because they are not just bodybuilders, they are multidisciplined athletes, entrepreneurs, and badasses.  There was a time when I just wanted the aesthetic that bodybuilding brings, and who wouldn’t?!  But I’ve felt like that was the wrong goal for me.  Deep down I truly just want to be a well-rounded athlete and I want to be able to perform well in any activity since I enjoy so many different things.

It’s no secret.  I haven’t been very good to my body these past few months and it shows.  I can’t even remember when I stopped working out habitually – that’s how long it’s been!  Other than random hikes here and there and the week on the AT, I really haven’t been moving enough.  I stopped dancing regularly, I’ve become lazy ,and I have gotten out of shape.  As for my diet, don’t even get me started.  I had a concrete for dinner last night if that’s any indication.

Anyway, Christmas kept pushing registration for her 30-day challenge, BBX, and a couple of weeks ago I decided to sign up and give it a try.  Now, to be completely transparent, I have tried many different programs.  I have worked with online trainers, purchased training guides, and registered for other challenges.  All eventually end with the same outcome; I end up quitting or losing interest somewhere along the way.  So, why did I spend more money to do it again?  Well, I figured it was time to hold myself accountable and to finish something I started.  It’s only 30 days.  I can suck it up for 30 days.  I also want to make it 100% clear that I don’t expect to be ripped at the end of this, like many ads will try to make you believe.  I am doing this because I have been in a rut for so long and I have been so lazy, I just need something to get me going so I can establish a habit.  I will consider these 30 days a success if I look forward to working out or moving every day.

Today is day 1.

Before I started I looked over the movements and it seemed simple enough.  Each movement had three different levels so you could progress or regress the movement based on your ability, and I had decided to start in the middle.  Once I started I was quickly humbled mid-set of wall mountain climbers.  It’s hard to come back.  I had to remind myself to embrace the scaling (regression) option.  I am not where I used to be and that’s okay but what does matter is I showed up and did the work.  Now, I just need to stick with is because if I do, I won’t get worse, I’ll only get better.  That’s how all of this works.

The words finally came.

I’ve been holding on to this for so long and tonight the words finally came that could express the way I feel.

It’s February 26th.  It’s your birthday and I wonder if you’re wondering if I will reach out. Wish you a happy birthday, like you’ve still continued to do for me.  I feel as though I am letting you down, disappointing you, and I shouldn’t feel bad.  Not after what you did, not at all.  But I do.  It kills me to be “mean” to you.  I never wanted to have to ignore you.  To purposefully ignore important milestones in your life but you made me, and that breaks my heart.

It’s weird.  How can I not want to hurt someone who hurt me so bad?  I don’t want you back.  I don’t wish you were still here, but yet, I don’t want to be mean to you and I don’t want to make you sad.

All the feels. All of them.

Last December, on the cruise with Dannielle, I was getting ready in our room and this music video came on. Capsize by Frenship with Emily Warren.  I have never been really big into contemporary dance but something about this video, their emotion and movements, and the song captivated me.  I loved everything about it and for months, I listened to this song over and over.

Last night, on my drive home from dance I put this song on, turned my volume up (to 40 of course, it has to be a whole number because I have issues like that), and cried on my way home.  For me, this song and its lyrics capture the struggles of my adulthood.  In that very moment (and often) I was the lyrics.

I’m fine
Drop tears in the morning
Give in to the lonely
Here it comes with no warning
Capsize, I’m first in the water
Too close to the bottom
I’m right back where I started
Said I’m fine

This is what life is like, at least for me anyway. Without warning, the emotions and the tears come.  It’s a fine balance being happy where you are and accepting of your past and present and sometimes it manifests itself in confusion, conflicting emotions, and tears.

I’m swimming up against the tide
Oh my god
I’m swimming but I’m getting tired
Oh my god

I get tired often, but on most days I find the motivation to keep swimming.  I think many of us do.

xx

Different, yet the same.

I am a very different person now than I was when I was married.  But I’m not.

I am focused on being a better person.
I am focused on being non-judgemental.
I am focused on taking care of myself, whatever that looks like.
I am focused on doing me and not caring what others think.
I am focused on eliminating the negativity from my life, regardless of the source.
I am focused on creating great memories.
I am focused on life experiences.
I am focused on self-improvement.
I am focused on doing the things that I want to do and saying no to things I don’t want to do.
I am focused on being healthier.
I am focused on personal growth.

It’s funny, I was most of these things when I was married but it felt so different. I don’t know how, but the affair and the divorce changed the way I feel in such a profound way.

Now more than ever, I recognize the need to be present, and to get rid of all the negativity that makes its way into my daily routine.

Now, more than ever, I am focused on surrounding myself with people that want to support me and see me succeed.  If you’re not one of them, step aside.

I cried at work today.

“Some days I just think “Fuck, this is hard how do I keep this up?” But I find a way.” – a fellow bad ass just trying to do her best

I kind of had a shitty day and I feel a little conflicted about whether or not I overreacted.  I don’t think it’s what was said that bothered me as much as why it was said.  Fuck, who am I kidding?  What and why bothered me.

A coworker of mine, who I actually don’t mind but I have since unfriended on Facespace and who won’t see this, came into my cubicle today and told me a story about a recent hunting trip he went on.  We both know I am an animal lover.  We also both know he is a hunter.

He’s sitting up on his mountain waiting for chukars to kill and some ravens are flying by.  One of them start flying his direction.  He decides to shoot it because, in his own words, it’s not often that he has the opportunity to shoot any.  No reason other than that.  So he shoots this poor bird, fucks up its wing, but it didn’t die.  Immediately his dog goes to retrieve it but it’s still alive so it grabs his dog by the mouth and hangs on for dear life until the dog is finally able to shake him off.  At this point he walks up to the raven and “puts him out of his misery.”

That’s it.  Story over.  He leaves my cube.

I vent a little to one of my coworkers.  What the fuck was the point of that story?  Was I supposed to think he was cool?  Did he think I would be amused?  Was he just trying to fuck up my day?  Get a rise out of me?  I excuse myself and head to the bathroom where I proceed to sob like a little girl in the mirror.

Life is so fucking hard already but I guess that’s not enough.  Why is it that there are people around you trying to tear or bring you down?  People doing malicious things to one another, physically and emotionally hurting one another and other living beings for that matter.  I feel as though despite my best efforts, it’s so hard to stay positive and keep moving on when I am just surrounded by yucky people with nasty intentions.  Sometimes it just feels like too much.

I know there are other good people out there though.  I see them struggling and trying just like me.

Hello, I think I’m lost.

I have never felt so disconnected. I feel as though I am wandering aimlessly throughout the days, unsure of where I am going, what I am doing, and what I hope to do. I feel completely alone but at the same time, I am completely comfortable here.
There are good things on the horizon, but for some reason they just aren’t changing the way I feel.

I have been contemplating seeing a counselor but i don’t want to drive all the way to fucking Hill to do it. I can’t tell if I am depressed or not. I think I might be. Who am I kidding? I know I probably am. I am just not sure what I expect the outcome to be. I feel like I am in some well, circling around at the bottom, unsure of how to get out, but yet it’s a comfortable place.
I know I need to shake things up, but I am not sure what.

I am not content or unhappy, I am just here.

VOBS Dog Sledding Series: Thursday, 3/19/15, Day 6

This morning was probably the coldest I’ve been.  It was so hard to get outta the sleeping bag.  Like usual we got up, packed up our sleeping bags, tore down the sleeping area, and headed into the wall tent for breakfast.  Once again we had some amazing food!  Dre made us breakfast so we had a frittata with spinach and hashbrowns.  Yummy.  After breakfast we tore down the wall tent and cleaned up the camp site.  I scooped dog poop for the first time this trip.  It was nice because it was frozen from the night before.

We packed up the sleds and Adam, Dre, and I were the only people who were not traveling by sled.  This time the sleds took 3 people.  I didn’t wear skis this time which was also nice.  Dre skied so I was able to wear her microspikes and then we hit the lake.  The spikes were great!   There wasn’t really any snow on the trail, mainly ice, so the spikes worked perfectly.  It was like regular walking.  Dre skied and Adam wore snow shoes.  Both of them had a pulk behind them.  Another bonus was we didn’t have to help the sleds through the portages since they had 3 people.  A little after the first portage we had to take Polaris because she started fighting with the other dogs while they were traveling.  Adam tied her around his waist and I ended up taking the pulk.  That was my first time pulling the pulk.  We got to a pretty crazy portage where the sleds needed to descend down a steep rock shelf so I took Polaris and volunteered to take photos while Adam and Dre helped.

After the sleds were down Adam took the pulk and I walked with Polaris.  She was pulling me the whole time which made me work a little harder.  Luckily I had those spikes on!  After roughly 5 miles of travel we made it to the final site.  This wasn’t like the places we stayed at before.  There were no actual campsites so we picked a flat spot on the lake/snow that was sheltered from the wind and set up camp.  I was part of the shelter crew so me and a few of the other guys set up the tarps.  Adam taught me how to make a clove hitch so we could use the ski poles to stand up the tarp.  We had ice screws to anchor the tarps down to but in the back area the snow was too deep so Adam taught us how to make a deadman anchor.  We dug a hole in the snow and wrapped the cord around  a piece of wood and then covered it back up.  The snow on the wood served as the anchor and then we were able to use our trucker’s hitches to secure the tarps.  Pretty cool stuff!  I did end up using the ice screws for the front of the tarps and they were pretty amazing also!  So many fun things.

 

VOBS Dog Sledding Series: Wednesday, 3/18/15, Day 5

We are over half way done!  I’m excited about taking a shower and using a real bathroom.  This morning my body odor reminded me of Jackie Morgan’s house.  I woke up feeling really swollen.  My eyes and my lips were puffy and it took me a while to focus.  I got up and took real good care of myself today.  I found a small stick to clean out under my fingernails and I put some deodorant on.  I flossed my teeth, ate some squirrel bag food, and took an Ibuprofen and Acyclovir.  Afterwards I brushed my teeth and I’m just going to hang out until they come get us.

I saw a squirrel on the tree this morning, first non-dog animal I’ve seen since we’ve been out here.

I was wondering what the rest of my world was doing on this Wednesday.  Did anyone miss me?  Did anyone try to get a hold of me?  Was anyone thinking about me?  Life is a crazy game, isn’t it?

I’m kind of chilly and a fire would be nice this morning but I burned all of my wood yesterday and I really don’t feel like gathering and processing more.  It’s a lot of work to make and sustain a fire.

Dre came by with squirrel bag refills (yay pepper jack cheese!) and some micro spikes.  They’d be nice to wear.  She said we might snowshoe tomorrow so I’m looking forward to that.  She did say that the sounds I heard last night were the sounds of ice forming.  Pretty cool!

Maybe I will make a small fire.  Some hot drink would be really nice right now.  Dre said they’ll come get us today around 3 or 4PM and we’ll head back to camp.  I’m excited about it because I know I’ll get a really good meal in!  I wonder what they have planned.  Tomorrow night will be our last night out too so that’ll be nice.  Friday we head back to homeplace so someone will pick us up and then we’ll clean all of our gear, take a hot shower, wear normal clothes, and sleep inside in the warmth.  I can’t wait to sleep on a somewhat real bed too!

10:30AM ish:  You know what would be great right now?  A book!  I guess now would be a great time to write my own.  THINKING!  I’m kind of working on a poop too…

1:40PM ish:  I enhanced my lounge rock with my sleeping pads and it’s really comfy.  I’ve been sitting here all morning.  I even fell asleep at one point.  It’s nice and relaxing in the sun.  Still a few more hours until they come and get us.  I was thinking about Eric and I still can’t believe all of the lies he told.  How he kept it all a secret.  I don’t know how he feels or whether he is thinking of me but as of right now I never want to speak with him or see him again.  So many lies.  He talked about Gone Girl and how sneaky Nick was having an affair.  He did the same thing shortly after.  Tsk tsk.  When I told him about a friend’s husband asking her for a blow job meanwhile he was speaking to a divorce attorney.  Tsk tsk.  Such a deceitful being.  Such  a liar.  I wonder what it feels like.  Being the person you despised the most.  I hope it feels good…

THINKING.

The sun is so warm and feels so good.  I think I need to poop again too but I don’t have any toilet paper left.  When we get back to camp I will keep using my secret bathroom.  I like it here.

It’s funny.  I didn’t know every detail of my life before but there was this false sense of direction. I knew I was going to be in a relationship and I knew I’d figure the rest out wherever we went.  Boy was that wrong.  Here I am and the only thing I know is that I don’t know.  I can see out 179 days.  That’s how far out my life is planned.  I know I’ll be working for the guard and living in that apartment for the next 6 months.  I know I’ll be going to Disney with Mark and Morocco in May.  I know I’ll go to Malta in July.  But that’s about it.  What happens past that is all a mystery to me.  Kind of crazy, especially since I’ve always been someone who wants or thought I needed control.

2:50PM :  Rescued at last!

It was nice to be back with everyone else.  When we got back to camp there were chores that needed to be done.  We needed to set up our sleeping area and feed the dogs.  I set my bed up under the trees where I did the other night.  Luckily there was already enough wood so we didn’t need to process anymore.  We hung out around the camp fire for a bit and had some hot drink.  Ed asked us to share information about ourselves and what we got from solo so I used that as an opportunity to share my story with everyone.  I told them I had found out that a little less than 4 weeks ago I walked in my home to find my husband of 10 years was having an affair.  I told them I was nervous about the trip, especially solo, since I didn’t know if I could be alone with my thoughts that long, but I was having an amazing time and learning to accept all of the changes in my life.  Additionally, we had to say 5 things about ourselves:  what are we good at, where are we headed, what do we hate, what are we committed to, and what’s something unique about us.  I shared that I was good at organizing things and details.  I wasn’t sure where I was headed and what I had recently learned was that I wasn’t going to make plans far out anymore.  I said I hated my husband and that I was committed to change.  The only constant in life is change.  Lastly I shared that I am a dual citizen and speak another language.  While we were on solo Dre and Ed set up the wall tent with the camp stove inside and when it got close to dinner time we all got inside.  It was pretty warm.  We had a pretty good meal too – complete with dessert!  Ed and Dre made us cinnamon rolls, chocolate cake with a cookie dough crust, and potato chowder.  Yum!

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