the modern cat lady

The words finally came.

I’ve been holding on to this for so long and tonight the words finally came that could express the way I feel.

It’s February 26th.  It’s your birthday and I wonder if you’re wondering if I will reach out. Wish you a happy birthday, like you’ve still continued to do for me.  I feel as though I am letting you down, disappointing you, and I shouldn’t feel bad.  Not after what you did, not at all.  But I do.  It kills me to be “mean” to you.  I never wanted to have to ignore you.  To purposefully ignore important milestones in your life but you made me, and that breaks my heart.

It’s weird.  How can I not want to hurt someone who hurt me so bad?  I don’t want you back.  I don’t wish you were still here, but yet, I don’t want to be mean to you and I don’t want to make you sad.


All the feels. All of them.

Last December, on the cruise with Dannielle, I was getting ready in our room and this music video came on. Capsize by Frenship with Emily Warren.  I have never been really big into contemporary dance but something about this video, their emotion and movements, and the song captivated me.  I loved everything about it and for months, I listened to this song over and over.

Last night, on my drive home from dance I put this song on, turned my volume up (to 40 of course, it has to be a whole number because I have issues like that), and cried on my way home.  For me, this song and its lyrics capture the struggles of my adulthood.  In that very moment (and often) I was the lyrics.

I’m fine
Drop tears in the morning
Give in to the lonely
Here it comes with no warning
Capsize, I’m first in the water
Too close to the bottom
I’m right back where I started
Said I’m fine

This is what life is like, at least for me anyway. Without warning, the emotions and the tears come.  It’s a fine balance being happy where you are and accepting of your past and present and sometimes it manifests itself in confusion, conflicting emotions, and tears.

I’m swimming up against the tide
Oh my god
I’m swimming but I’m getting tired
Oh my god

I get tired often, but on most days I find the motivation to keep swimming.  I think many of us do.


Different, yet the same.

I am a very different person now than I was when I was married.  But I’m not.

I am focused on being a better person.
I am focused on being non-judgemental.
I am focused on taking care of myself, whatever that looks like.
I am focused on doing me and not caring what others think.
I am focused on eliminating the negativity from my life, regardless of the source.
I am focused on creating great memories.
I am focused on life experiences.
I am focused on self-improvement.
I am focused on doing the things that I want to do and saying no to things I don’t want to do.
I am focused on being healthier.
I am focused on personal growth.

It’s funny, I was most of these things when I was married but it felt so different. I don’t know how, but the affair and the divorce changed the way I feel in such a profound way.

Now more than ever, I recognize the need to be present, and to get rid of all the negativity that makes its way into my daily routine.

Now, more than ever, I am focused on surrounding myself with people that want to support me and see me succeed.  If you’re not one of them, step aside.

I cried at work today.

“Some days I just think “Fuck, this is hard how do I keep this up?” But I find a way.” – a fellow bad ass just trying to do her best

I kind of had a shitty day and I feel a little conflicted about whether or not I overreacted.  I don’t think it’s what was said that bothered me as much as why it was said.  Fuck, who am I kidding?  What and why bothered me.

A coworker of mine, who I actually don’t mind but I have since unfriended on Facespace and who won’t see this, came into my cubicle today and told me a story about a recent hunting trip he went on.  We both know I am an animal lover.  We also both know he is a hunter.

He’s sitting up on his mountain waiting for chukars to kill and some ravens are flying by.  One of them start flying his direction.  He decides to shoot it because, in his own words, it’s not often that he has the opportunity to shoot any.  No reason other than that.  So he shoots this poor bird, fucks up its wing, but it didn’t die.  Immediately his dog goes to retrieve it but it’s still alive so it grabs his dog by the mouth and hangs on for dear life until the dog is finally able to shake him off.  At this point he walks up to the raven and “puts him out of his misery.”

That’s it.  Story over.  He leaves my cube.

I vent a little to one of my coworkers.  What the fuck was the point of that story?  Was I supposed to think he was cool?  Did he think I would be amused?  Was he just trying to fuck up my day?  Get a rise out of me?  I excuse myself and head to the bathroom where I proceed to sob like a little girl in the mirror.

Life is so fucking hard already but I guess that’s not enough.  Why is it that there are people around you trying to tear or bring you down?  People doing malicious things to one another, physically and emotionally hurting one another and other living beings for that matter.  I feel as though despite my best efforts, it’s so hard to stay positive and keep moving on when I am just surrounded by yucky people with nasty intentions.  Sometimes it just feels like too much.

I know there are other good people out there though.  I see them struggling and trying just like me.

Hello, I think I’m lost.

I have never felt so disconnected. I feel as though I am wandering aimlessly throughout the days, unsure of where I am going, what I am doing, and what I hope to do. I feel completely alone but at the same time, I am completely comfortable here.
There are good things on the horizon, but for some reason they just aren’t changing the way I feel.

I have been contemplating seeing a counselor but i don’t want to drive all the way to fucking Hill to do it. I can’t tell if I am depressed or not. I think I might be. Who am I kidding? I know I probably am. I am just not sure what I expect the outcome to be. I feel like I am in some well, circling around at the bottom, unsure of how to get out, but yet it’s a comfortable place.
I know I need to shake things up, but I am not sure what.

I am not content or unhappy, I am just here.

VOBS Dog Sledding Series: Thursday, 3/19/15, Day 6

This morning was probably the coldest I’ve been.  It was so hard to get outta the sleeping bag.  Like usual we got up, packed up our sleeping bags, tore down the sleeping area, and headed into the wall tent for breakfast.  Once again we had some amazing food!  Dre made us breakfast so we had a frittata with spinach and hashbrowns.  Yummy.  After breakfast we tore down the wall tent and cleaned up the camp site.  I scooped dog poop for the first time this trip.  It was nice because it was frozen from the night before.

We packed up the sleds and Adam, Dre, and I were the only people who were not traveling by sled.  This time the sleds took 3 people.  I didn’t wear skis this time which was also nice.  Dre skied so I was able to wear her microspikes and then we hit the lake.  The spikes were great!   There wasn’t really any snow on the trail, mainly ice, so the spikes worked perfectly.  It was like regular walking.  Dre skied and Adam wore snow shoes.  Both of them had a pulk behind them.  Another bonus was we didn’t have to help the sleds through the portages since they had 3 people.  A little after the first portage we had to take Polaris because she started fighting with the other dogs while they were traveling.  Adam tied her around his waist and I ended up taking the pulk.  That was my first time pulling the pulk.  We got to a pretty crazy portage where the sleds needed to descend down a steep rock shelf so I took Polaris and volunteered to take photos while Adam and Dre helped.

After the sleds were down Adam took the pulk and I walked with Polaris.  She was pulling me the whole time which made me work a little harder.  Luckily I had those spikes on!  After roughly 5 miles of travel we made it to the final site.  This wasn’t like the places we stayed at before.  There were no actual campsites so we picked a flat spot on the lake/snow that was sheltered from the wind and set up camp.  I was part of the shelter crew so me and a few of the other guys set up the tarps.  Adam taught me how to make a clove hitch so we could use the ski poles to stand up the tarp.  We had ice screws to anchor the tarps down to but in the back area the snow was too deep so Adam taught us how to make a deadman anchor.  We dug a hole in the snow and wrapped the cord around  a piece of wood and then covered it back up.  The snow on the wood served as the anchor and then we were able to use our trucker’s hitches to secure the tarps.  Pretty cool stuff!  I did end up using the ice screws for the front of the tarps and they were pretty amazing also!  So many fun things.


VOBS Dog Sledding Series: Wednesday, 3/18/15, Day 5

We are over half way done!  I’m excited about taking a shower and using a real bathroom.  This morning my body odor reminded me of Jackie Morgan’s house.  I woke up feeling really swollen.  My eyes and my lips were puffy and it took me a while to focus.  I got up and took real good care of myself today.  I found a small stick to clean out under my fingernails and I put some deodorant on.  I flossed my teeth, ate some squirrel bag food, and took an Ibuprofen and Acyclovir.  Afterwards I brushed my teeth and I’m just going to hang out until they come get us.

I saw a squirrel on the tree this morning, first non-dog animal I’ve seen since we’ve been out here.

I was wondering what the rest of my world was doing on this Wednesday.  Did anyone miss me?  Did anyone try to get a hold of me?  Was anyone thinking about me?  Life is a crazy game, isn’t it?

I’m kind of chilly and a fire would be nice this morning but I burned all of my wood yesterday and I really don’t feel like gathering and processing more.  It’s a lot of work to make and sustain a fire.

Dre came by with squirrel bag refills (yay pepper jack cheese!) and some micro spikes.  They’d be nice to wear.  She said we might snowshoe tomorrow so I’m looking forward to that.  She did say that the sounds I heard last night were the sounds of ice forming.  Pretty cool!

Maybe I will make a small fire.  Some hot drink would be really nice right now.  Dre said they’ll come get us today around 3 or 4PM and we’ll head back to camp.  I’m excited about it because I know I’ll get a really good meal in!  I wonder what they have planned.  Tomorrow night will be our last night out too so that’ll be nice.  Friday we head back to homeplace so someone will pick us up and then we’ll clean all of our gear, take a hot shower, wear normal clothes, and sleep inside in the warmth.  I can’t wait to sleep on a somewhat real bed too!

10:30AM ish:  You know what would be great right now?  A book!  I guess now would be a great time to write my own.  THINKING!  I’m kind of working on a poop too…

1:40PM ish:  I enhanced my lounge rock with my sleeping pads and it’s really comfy.  I’ve been sitting here all morning.  I even fell asleep at one point.  It’s nice and relaxing in the sun.  Still a few more hours until they come and get us.  I was thinking about Eric and I still can’t believe all of the lies he told.  How he kept it all a secret.  I don’t know how he feels or whether he is thinking of me but as of right now I never want to speak with him or see him again.  So many lies.  He talked about Gone Girl and how sneaky Nick was having an affair.  He did the same thing shortly after.  Tsk tsk.  When I told him about a friend’s husband asking her for a blow job meanwhile he was speaking to a divorce attorney.  Tsk tsk.  Such a deceitful being.  Such  a liar.  I wonder what it feels like.  Being the person you despised the most.  I hope it feels good…


The sun is so warm and feels so good.  I think I need to poop again too but I don’t have any toilet paper left.  When we get back to camp I will keep using my secret bathroom.  I like it here.

It’s funny.  I didn’t know every detail of my life before but there was this false sense of direction. I knew I was going to be in a relationship and I knew I’d figure the rest out wherever we went.  Boy was that wrong.  Here I am and the only thing I know is that I don’t know.  I can see out 179 days.  That’s how far out my life is planned.  I know I’ll be working for the guard and living in that apartment for the next 6 months.  I know I’ll be going to Disney with Mark and Morocco in May.  I know I’ll go to Malta in July.  But that’s about it.  What happens past that is all a mystery to me.  Kind of crazy, especially since I’ve always been someone who wants or thought I needed control.

2:50PM :  Rescued at last!

It was nice to be back with everyone else.  When we got back to camp there were chores that needed to be done.  We needed to set up our sleeping area and feed the dogs.  I set my bed up under the trees where I did the other night.  Luckily there was already enough wood so we didn’t need to process anymore.  We hung out around the camp fire for a bit and had some hot drink.  Ed asked us to share information about ourselves and what we got from solo so I used that as an opportunity to share my story with everyone.  I told them I had found out that a little less than 4 weeks ago I walked in my home to find my husband of 10 years was having an affair.  I told them I was nervous about the trip, especially solo, since I didn’t know if I could be alone with my thoughts that long, but I was having an amazing time and learning to accept all of the changes in my life.  Additionally, we had to say 5 things about ourselves:  what are we good at, where are we headed, what do we hate, what are we committed to, and what’s something unique about us.  I shared that I was good at organizing things and details.  I wasn’t sure where I was headed and what I had recently learned was that I wasn’t going to make plans far out anymore.  I said I hated my husband and that I was committed to change.  The only constant in life is change.  Lastly I shared that I am a dual citizen and speak another language.  While we were on solo Dre and Ed set up the wall tent with the camp stove inside and when it got close to dinner time we all got inside.  It was pretty warm.  We had a pretty good meal too – complete with dessert!  Ed and Dre made us cinnamon rolls, chocolate cake with a cookie dough crust, and potato chowder.  Yum!

VOBS Dog Sledding Series: Tuesday, 3/17/15, Day 4

We got to sleep in again which was nice.  Like usual, we packed up our gear and sleeping areas and got ready for breakfast.  We had skillet fried English Muffins which were really good.  I skipped the granola this morning.  I also had a cup of hot chocolate.  So yummy.  While we were having breakfast Ed and Dre called back to homeplace.  Bimble Bear’s eye was looking funky yesterday and didn’t improve today so he was going to get picked up.  Instead of traveling like we originally planned, we started “solo.”  We cut down some downed trees and brought them back to camp for processing.  After that we learned how to build fire.  You start with a base layer of downed birch since the inside is waterlogged and hard to burn.  Birch bark is very flammable so you use that to start burning kindling and then you add some medium sticks.  After that gets going you can add the logs and cook and boil water.

We went back to camp to receive our individual supplies (tarp, matches, twine, pot, food, saw), and packed our bags and went to our individual sites.

When I got to my site I picked a spot that had good wood as well as a flat, clear place to sleep.  I gathered all of my wood and then separated it into piles.  After that I set up my tarp and sleeping bag.  Today was also the first day I pooped!  I found a hole next to a large rock and used that as a toilet.  I used birch bark to burn my toilet paper.

Tonight I had to make my own fire to cook my food and boil my water (snow).  I was a little disappointed since one of my pots fell over and I had to boil a whole new pot.  Oh well.  Keeping a fire going is pretty hard and I managed to burn all of my food in the foil pack.  It was still somewhat good despite all of the charred, crunchy pieces.

I used up all of my wood in order to cook my food and boil my water.  I did make myself a cup of hot chocolate which was really yummy.  That reminds me of “I Love You Man” and “Chocolat.”  LOL

My mind has wandered from time to time but I say “thinking” out loud and that usually brings me back.  🙂  I don’t have a watch so the only way I can tell time is to take a photo and look at the time stamp LOL.  Once my fire burns out I’ll call it quits for the night.  I have no idea what I’m going to do tomorrow by myself.  I did take a walk around the island twice earlier to get some exercise in and to explore a little.  Killed some time too 🙂

It’s so quiet…

It’s around 8:30PM and my fire is out so I’m going to get ready for bed.  There are weird bassy noises out here.  I never realized it before because we are always in a large group.  Maybe it’s the water under the ice?  That makes me feel better thinking that.  LOL  You don’t realize how scary it is out here until you’re all alone.


VOBS Dog Sledding Series: Monday, 3/16/15, Day 3

It was raining this morning so the instructors let us sleep in.  We got up and got the sleeping areas torn down and packed away.  I took an Ibuprofen and Acyclovir.  My body, mainly my lower body, was pretty sore.  For breakfast we had sausages and granola.  Not too bad.  Last night I had to pee so it was my first bathroom experience outside on this trip.

We packed up the sleds and this trip Dre and Juan (who was vomiting) were on Sled 1 and Adam and I were on Sled 2.  We headed out around 11AM and had a blast!  We went through 3 portages and they were challenging yet so much fun.  Dog sledding is better than skiing hands down!!!  We only traveled about 4 miles today but it was all great!  At camp we set up, processed wood (sawed and chopped) and I helped feed the dogs,  Each dog got a pan with warm water and then dog food (dry) in it.

Dinner was super good!  We had ground beef, onions, rice, and beans.  Added some salsa.  Yum!!!  I also tried some of Dre’s chai mix for my hot drink.  So good.

I set up my sleeping area outside of the tarp since it wasn’t forecasted to rain and it was really nice.  We sat by the fire and shot the shit for a while before heading to bed,  It was much colder than it was the day before.

Before bed I gave each of the dogs a fat cube.  I also peed again!

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